emo rambling begins now -

this past week or so has been, in my memory, one of the worst weeks of my life.
worse than exam periods. worse than anything i can remember.
for the first time in my life, i have felt completely and utterly incompetent.
no matter how hard i tried, how much time i put in, how much i sacrificed... i just could not do it.
and because i put so much time into that one essay, i neglected studying for my test + interview assessment. which did not lead to any good. and on top of that we got a test back which i got totally owned in.

i know that people may be like: omg get over it. it's only uni. it's only grades.
but for me this year is different.
all my life i've aimed to do well, don't get me wrong... the difference is in the motivation behind doing well.
in the past i aimed for good grades because i wanted to be a high achiever, because i feel that i am capable of doing so, therefore should put in the effort to reach my potential, because it makes my parents proud, because it makes me feel good.
this year, it's not all about that.
this year i NEED the grades to fulfill my dream. it's no longer about the temporary boost in morale, or feelings of satisfaction from doing well. it's about reaching the benchmark to get into the programmes that will allow me to move into a career that i've wanted for so so long. the only career i've ever been so sure about. i know that some people will say that i'm being narrow-minded and inflexible, that there are so many more choices out there to consider, but maybe it's just that i've finally found something i'm truly passionate about. is that not a good thing?

emo-ness aside... i still have to thank God for the past two weeks.
i think i experienced almost every negative feeling i know of: frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, fatigue, confusion, regret, guilt... you name it, i probably felt it at some point during the two weeks.
i know it sounds so OTT, but trust me. i was overwhelmed like... i have never been before.
but through all this... God really revealed to me the people He's placed in my life.
these people stood by me, looked after me, overlooked the areas in which i failed them, encouraged me, understood me, helped me in whatever ways they could...
just sitting in silence with me, trying to cheer me up, your hugs, your smiles, your tears that fell as mine did... i think that i almost see my suffering as a blessing because my eyes were opened up to love i never truly learned to appreciate. and i felt that love so so strongly in the past two weeks. i feel so indebted to you all. i feel so undeserving of so much love, even the smallest acts to show that you care and that you want to help. i don't know any words or actions that could express how thankful i am for you all. nor do i know of any way in which i can repay the kindness you've shown me. words really are never enough. but thank you.

there's still a long, long road ahead of me this year.
without a doubt, i'm going to meet a lot of obstacles and face new storms.
but without a doubt, God will place people around me who will continue to walk this road with me, no matter how tough it gets. so sorry and thank you, in advance.

first thing's first: I CAPPED MY INTERNET OMGAH!
what do i do without internet? i feel like there is nothing keeping me home anymore.
i can't youtube or watch dramas or go on slightly more complicated websites.
i have to wait forever to load a page. what. do. i. do?!
hmms...i guess i could start doing the things i'm actually supposed to do. but that sucks. =[
[i could also xanga cos this doesn't take too long to load KEKE]

uni starting next week. a whole new chapter for me.
oh! update from the posts i left many many months ago: THANK GOD cos i got into postgrad in health psych.
i stressed all last year about how much i wanted to do this, and how much i wanted to get in.
about my lack of motivation and my laziness. about being unsure about whether i could achieve it.
but i did. =D all thanks to God cos i know i didn't put in as much of an effort as i should have.
goal #1: to give this degree my 100% [well maybe 80% cos everyone needs to have fun sometime right?]
i'm going to try my best to get good grades so i can fulfill the second part of my plan, which i haven't really talked about on xanga, but i may do so in the future.
i feel like getting into postgrad was like a second chance at life for me lols! because i know i slacked off REALLY BADLY last semester, and at the end of it all...looking at my grades, i was so scared i wouldn't get into postgrad. so i really want to do better this year because i've been given such an awesome opportunity.

postgrad is kind of scary. i'm looking forward to it, but i'm also very nervous.
i have to make a whole new group of friends. get used to a new campus.
AND: most of the people who have walked my uni life with me since day 1 aren't gona be around anymore.
even if i go back to city campus after classes, who do i find? sighS.
i guess no one ever likes change, but when it happens we often find that we learn and grow so much from the change; in ways we couldn't have if we had stayed in our comfort zone.
so that's what i'm looking forward to.

ERM...i just read over what i wrote. i'm such a nerd. t_T